In our ongoing coverage of the Drudge Report’s somewhat bizarre relationship with sex, Underhyped is proud to bring you our latest update on the Drudge sex headlines front.

While Matt Drudge is limited to very few words with each posting, we can sense an undercurrent of excitement and electricity in his latest posts.

And the winner is…

Potpourri!!!

We’re sure there’s a story hidden in there somewhere, but we’re scratching our heads to decipher exactly what goes where, and to be honest, I think Drudge is, too. One thing’s certain, though… no matter how you slice it, the Drudge report is always saucy, sexy, and a touch confused.

• Underhyped EXCLUSIVE: Drudge Obsessed with Animal Sex
  

We may not be timely on this one, but we’re serious about what we do, and there’s no way that Underhyped could stumble across this video of Baby Beyonce without passing it on to our loyal readers.

So late last night, our conflict began. Do we publish and link to a novelty video of a baby dancing to Beyonce’s Crazy in Love, thereby establishing that yes, we are that kind of publication; or do we ignore our urge (no matter how strong), suppressing the feelings of pure joy that this video has invoked in us.

If we do post it, pretty soon we’ll be sending your mom email forwards all the time, which she’ll send on to you, and you’ll get really annoyed. And even after she tells you that she sent you the forward because it “touched her heart,” you’ll still be a jerk, because that’s just the kind of person you are.

Well, clearly we’ve made our decision. Don’t make us regret it, fair readers. Baby Beyonce is the most glorious sight these poor old Underhyped eyes have seen in years.

That’s right. Underhyped is very, very old, and, frankly, we’re just not feeling that well. I know, it was a shock to us, too. But if we don’t live another day, it will have been worth everything, just to get Baby Beyonce out into the sunlight for one last gasp of glory. She’s been underhyped for far too long.

• Baby Beyonce Does It For the Love of Dance

If you live in Los Angeles, you might do yourself well to check out Let’s Go! at the UCB theater. It’s sketch comedy written by up-and-comers Paul Rust and Neil Campbell. Stop by for a night of videos, sketches, and maybe even a song or two.

Reserve your tickets or just show up at the UCB theater on Franklin.

Breaking news on the Michael Jackson front—a recent article in a German newspaper reports that Joe Jackson has announced that his son Michael will soon be moving to Germany. From Reuters:

“Michael Jackson is going to become a Berliner!” Bild wrote on top of its front page. “His father is already looking for a house. The King of Pop wants to move to Berlin — his father tells Bild in an interview.”

Another German newspaper, Die Welt, quoted an adviser named Shawn Andrews as saying Jackson definitely wanted to move to Europe because he felt he was being poorly treated at home and that he was also suffering from the after-effects of his trial.

“Michael wants to move to Europe,” Andrews said. “He is positive about that. He feels at home in Berlin.

“No one in Germany ever let him down during the trial,” he said. “Michael himself can’t explain why he’s fallen so deeply in love with Berlin.”

While Underhyped doesn’t doubt that those strange Europeans across the way may treat Michael with more unconditional love than we fickle Americans (apparently one condition we require is a semblance of sanity), we’re not so convinced that Michael’s motivations have are quite so obvious. In an Underhyped exclusive, we’ve got a PHOTO that might shed a little light on his real reasons for choosing Germany… after the jump!

MORE… Michael Jackson Leaving U.S. - Chocolate Eating Germans More Accepting [EXCLUSIVE PHOTO]

We at Underhyped never settle for second best—as you can tell, that credo is evident in everything we write or post. That’s why we redesigned our look—not because we didn’t like our old one—but because we knew we could do better. Remember folks, as we grow and improve, maybe this design will become our second-best! You know what will happen then? We put up a new one. And the cycle goes on until we settle on second-best. . . and that is the day that we are no longer Underhyped.com, but Secondbest.com.

And no worries, dear readers, for while Fofao may be gone from our header, he’ll never be far from our hearts.

In a move that’s bound to cause some amount of controversy, President Bush appointed Judge John Roberts, Jr. to the recently vacated seat of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

While we at Underhyped certainly don’t doubt that the judge is an intelligent professional, Underhyped sources have begun questioning whether or not Judge Roberts’ appointment was a fair choice.

After a few minutes of squinting at Judge Roberts during President Bush’s announcement, it became clear to Underhyped that the soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice bears an uncanny resemblance to infamous Dallas arch-villain J.R. Ewing, Jr., as played by Larry Hagman.

Though the resemblance is indisputable, we at Underhyped still feel the need to point out other key factors that may have influenced President Bush’s decision:

• J.R. Ewing’s full name is John Ross ‘J.R.’ Ewing, Jr.—very similar to John Roberts ‘J.R.’, Jr.
• J.R. Ewing is up to his ten-gallon hat in Big Oil. Judge Roberts, according to our sources, is not.
• While Judge Roberts grew up in New York and Indiana, both J.R. Ewing and Larry Hagman hail from the Lonestar State.

President Bush, known for favoring Big Oil and his fellow statesmen, could easily have inadvertently confused the two men. To be honest, looking at the picture side-by-side, Underhyped isn’t entirely sure which is the Judge and which the Ewing. Frankly, Underhyped is appalled at President Bush’s decision—J.R. Ewing would make a terrible Supreme Court Justice.

UPDATE: Underhyped has heard a lot of buzz about a supposed likeness to Pat Sajak, so for the sake of fairness, we’re examining this possibility… after the jump!

MORE… President Predictably Picks Judge from Dallas - UPDATE

Though we love frequenting his website, and we do our best to keep our reporting up to the high standards set by Matt Drudge, Underhyped has always had a nagging suspicion that there was something a little strange going on with good ol’ Drudge. The thing is, Matt’s an elusive man, and it’s not easy to put your finger on exactly what it is that drives his reporting. Yes, he’s sometimes shameless, both as a reporter and self-promoter. But he’s also really cool, and he’s seems to be a very snappy dresser (we wouldn’t know for sure, but we’ve always hoped!).

When we flipped our clickers to the Drudge Report this morning, it finally dawned on us. China to send pig sperm into space! (such relish and flair in that exclamation point) Eureka! It’s all starting to come together. We look to the left, and there it is—a familiar, characteristically classy Drudge ad for screensavers flashing between a picture of one sexy lady, and five sexy… kitties? That’s when Underhyped jumped into research mode! In the past month, Underhyped has noticed a steadily increasing amount of animal sex on Drudge Report.

Just last Friday, two beasties within 24 minutes of each other! We’re starting to think you find it less and less sick everyday, Matt. And at this point, we find it pretty hard to believe that it’s really such a shock. We’re not here to judge, and we’re not saying that we know what’s going on in your life right now. I don’t know, buddy, do what you want to, but if you ever want to talk about it, Underhyped is very understanding, and you can contact us any time if you want to talk.

Your friend and (hopefully) confidant,

Underhyped