I’m logging footage for a reality television vehicle for Ted Nugent called Wanted: Ted or Alive (or What Happens When Reality Television Stops Being Nice and Starts Acting Nuge). E.T. (the Extra Terrestrial) sneaks into the Nuge’s attic, where there are two rifles. E.T. takes one of the rifles and crawls into the heating ducts. After a short crawl, E.T. is looking out of a register near the ceiling of one of the rooms in Ted Nugent’s house. E.T. takes aim at Ted Nugent’s right-hand man standing below the register and fires. E.T. kills the man.

But now the Nuge is aware of E.T.’s hostile presence. E.T. jumps out of the heating duct. The Nuge has grabbed a rifle and is in pursuit of E.T., who is running from the Nuge. E.T. is cornered in a room with no exit. The Nuge stands at one end of the room and fires at E.T. E.T., facing the Nuge, shuffles back and forth against the far wall of the room in an attempt to avoid the Nuge’s shower of bullets. Amazingly, the Nuge misses E.T. with every shot.

Of course I think, Bullshit. The Nuge is a crack shot. He would never miss E.T. with a rifle from that range.

After months of telling everyone around me that David Cross has turned into a washed-up loser, Underhyped has decided that it’s finally time to seal the deal. And so, before you all start screaming about how great Arrested Development is, I just want you to relax, kick back, and have an open mind… about how David Cross is an asshole.

David Crosses his fans!

MORE… David Cross - OVERHYPED

I’ll be honest, Underhyped is desperate for a job. We’ve been applying to four jobs a day off Craigslist for the past month and have gotten absolutely nowhere, except that now our savings is well below the four figure mark, and Underhyped’s lease runs out at the end of August. Where will Underhyped get the money to finance this move?!

If we’re really lucky, maybe we’ll have some luck getting hired as Personal/Administrative Assistant to Zoe Alexander. Renowned for her work as former EDITOR AT LARGE of gossip juggernaut Life & Style, Zoe is now scouring LA for Hollywood’s best and brightest assistant.

Frankly, if Underhyped thought we had a chance of getting this job, we’d never post it for all of you to see and risk upsetting dear Zoe. Unfortunately for us, we lack the criteria necessary to go “straight to the top of the pile,” including but not limited to (bold is ours):

• Have fluency in French is a plus.
• Have tennis skills.
• Have golf skills.
• Ability to research, resourcefulness, boldness. (In other words, you’ll need to get that Polish woodworker to recommend a proper carpenter, and follow leads till you find the right person. Then deal with them to get the task done.)

Ok, Zoe, we get it. Jesus, I really think Underhyped could have made a great assistant, too - I guess it’s back to the workbench to pointlessly toil away on our designs for an all-sausage dream home.

• Personal/Administrative Assistant [Craigslist LA]
• Give Underhyped a job: underhyped [AT] gmail.com

In our ongoing coverage of the Drudge Report’s somewhat bizarre relationship with sex, Underhyped is proud to bring you our latest update on the Drudge sex headlines front.

While Matt Drudge is limited to very few words with each posting, we can sense an undercurrent of excitement and electricity in his latest posts.

And the winner is…

Potpourri!!!

We’re sure there’s a story hidden in there somewhere, but we’re scratching our heads to decipher exactly what goes where, and to be honest, I think Drudge is, too. One thing’s certain, though… no matter how you slice it, the Drudge report is always saucy, sexy, and a touch confused.

• Underhyped EXCLUSIVE: Drudge Obsessed with Animal Sex
  

Breaking news on the Michael Jackson front—a recent article in a German newspaper reports that Joe Jackson has announced that his son Michael will soon be moving to Germany. From Reuters:

“Michael Jackson is going to become a Berliner!” Bild wrote on top of its front page. “His father is already looking for a house. The King of Pop wants to move to Berlin — his father tells Bild in an interview.”

Another German newspaper, Die Welt, quoted an adviser named Shawn Andrews as saying Jackson definitely wanted to move to Europe because he felt he was being poorly treated at home and that he was also suffering from the after-effects of his trial.

“Michael wants to move to Europe,” Andrews said. “He is positive about that. He feels at home in Berlin.

“No one in Germany ever let him down during the trial,” he said. “Michael himself can’t explain why he’s fallen so deeply in love with Berlin.”

While Underhyped doesn’t doubt that those strange Europeans across the way may treat Michael with more unconditional love than we fickle Americans (apparently one condition we require is a semblance of sanity), we’re not so convinced that Michael’s motivations have are quite so obvious. In an Underhyped exclusive, we’ve got a PHOTO that might shed a little light on his real reasons for choosing Germany… after the jump!

MORE… Michael Jackson Leaving U.S. - Chocolate Eating Germans More Accepting [EXCLUSIVE PHOTO]

In a move that’s bound to cause some amount of controversy, President Bush appointed Judge John Roberts, Jr. to the recently vacated seat of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

While we at Underhyped certainly don’t doubt that the judge is an intelligent professional, Underhyped sources have begun questioning whether or not Judge Roberts’ appointment was a fair choice.

After a few minutes of squinting at Judge Roberts during President Bush’s announcement, it became clear to Underhyped that the soon-to-be Supreme Court Justice bears an uncanny resemblance to infamous Dallas arch-villain J.R. Ewing, Jr., as played by Larry Hagman.

Though the resemblance is indisputable, we at Underhyped still feel the need to point out other key factors that may have influenced President Bush’s decision:

• J.R. Ewing’s full name is John Ross ‘J.R.’ Ewing, Jr.—very similar to John Roberts ‘J.R.’, Jr.
• J.R. Ewing is up to his ten-gallon hat in Big Oil. Judge Roberts, according to our sources, is not.
• While Judge Roberts grew up in New York and Indiana, both J.R. Ewing and Larry Hagman hail from the Lonestar State.

President Bush, known for favoring Big Oil and his fellow statesmen, could easily have inadvertently confused the two men. To be honest, looking at the picture side-by-side, Underhyped isn’t entirely sure which is the Judge and which the Ewing. Frankly, Underhyped is appalled at President Bush’s decision—J.R. Ewing would make a terrible Supreme Court Justice.

UPDATE: Underhyped has heard a lot of buzz about a supposed likeness to Pat Sajak, so for the sake of fairness, we’re examining this possibility… after the jump!

MORE… President Predictably Picks Judge from Dallas - UPDATE

Though we love frequenting his website, and we do our best to keep our reporting up to the high standards set by Matt Drudge, Underhyped has always had a nagging suspicion that there was something a little strange going on with good ol’ Drudge. The thing is, Matt’s an elusive man, and it’s not easy to put your finger on exactly what it is that drives his reporting. Yes, he’s sometimes shameless, both as a reporter and self-promoter. But he’s also really cool, and he’s seems to be a very snappy dresser (we wouldn’t know for sure, but we’ve always hoped!).

When we flipped our clickers to the Drudge Report this morning, it finally dawned on us. China to send pig sperm into space! (such relish and flair in that exclamation point) Eureka! It’s all starting to come together. We look to the left, and there it is—a familiar, characteristically classy Drudge ad for screensavers flashing between a picture of one sexy lady, and five sexy… kitties? That’s when Underhyped jumped into research mode! In the past month, Underhyped has noticed a steadily increasing amount of animal sex on Drudge Report.

Just last Friday, two beasties within 24 minutes of each other! We’re starting to think you find it less and less sick everyday, Matt. And at this point, we find it pretty hard to believe that it’s really such a shock. We’re not here to judge, and we’re not saying that we know what’s going on in your life right now. I don’t know, buddy, do what you want to, but if you ever want to talk about it, Underhyped is very understanding, and you can contact us any time if you want to talk.

Your friend and (hopefully) confidant,

Underhyped