After months of telling everyone around me that David Cross has turned into a washed-up loser, Underhyped has decided that it’s finally time to seal the deal. And so, before you all start screaming about how great Arrested Development is, I just want you to relax, kick back, and have an open mind… about how David Cross is an asshole.

David Crosses his fans!

The potential that David Cross is, in fact, an asshole has been floating around for several years now. In 2001, when Scary Movie 2 came out, I remember being whole-heartedly against it (because I had seen Scary Movie).

But my friends all said, “Yeah, but it’s got David Cross in it!� Meaning that I was supposed to think, “Oh, really! Neat-o, where can I throw away my money?� Then, if I had listened to them, I would start burning the meager $200 I had in my bank account in a show of how little I cared about getting any entertainment for my buck.

I didn’t watch the movie then, but I did watch it on DVD in 2003, and would you believe that it is a really shitty movie? And that David Cross’ presence did nothing to remedy this? I haven’t wasted my time with Cross since, but countless throngs of Underhyped’s peers continue down this unnecessarily painful and economically-unsound path!

Arrested Development is a Self-Satisfied Prick

Arrested Development is not a good television program. It’s not fun to watch, and it’s not funny. David Cross as Tobias is not funny. The show is in the unique position of being: 1) not a reality tv show and 2) the only sitcom to boast David Cross, who for some reason lends instant credibility to anything he touches (see Exhibits A and C).

Other than that, I have no idea why people like Arrested Development. The atmosphere is shitty, the plots and pitfalls are irritating, and the performances all come across as annoyingly self-satisfied, as though David Cross et al. know they’re shitting out masterpieces with each episode (yes, it’s that easy!).

Since when did Ron Howard and Brian Grazer get to be the gold standard for TV cred? Jason Bateman’s an idiot. (I recently saw an interview with him poo-pooing Teen Wolf Too, calling it a job he took because he was desperate for money. Because starring in a follow-up to a successful Michael J. Fox movie was apparently a huge step down from TV movies and failed sitcoms.)

But hey, David Cross also does ridiculous, obviously discrediting things, too. Just check out Exhibit B:

Exhibit B: Poem written by David Cross for Starbucks, as seen on a Starbucks cup

chances are you are scared of fictions.
chances are you are only fleetingly happy.
chances are you know much less than you think you do.
chances are you feel a little guilty
chances are you want people to lie to you.
perhaps the answer lies on the side of a coffee cup.
you are lost.”

-david cross
comedian, writer, actor

WHAT?! And yet he still gets unprecedented support.

Underhyped Doesn’t Care That You’re a Sellout, David

We really don’t. The world is full of all kinds of great sellouts. The only reason you get Underhyped’s panties all in a bunch is that everyone credits you as the best and brightest we’ve got now, and you’re not. You’re just a normal actor who used to write and perform a really funny show with another (now crotchety) guy. You were both very funny, and I will always think that your funny television show was also very funny. But that doesn’t mean that you get to walk around with your nose in the air for the rest of your life as though you’re still putting out excellent work.

Unfortunately Cross’ comedy now consists of making fun of rednecks, religious folk, and non-aging-comedian-hipster types. And that’s just not doing it.

When my friend and I were arguing about why David Cross doesn’t make Scary Movie 2 any more worth watching, my friend defended him by saying that he’s probably just doing it for some extra money, for some undetermined project. Well, I’m waiting. And when the David Cross Opus does come out, it’d better cost a bundle, and it’d better be super-hilarious, because your loyal fans have placed their integrity (Stop claiming that Arrested Development is funny!) whole-heartedly on your shoulders. Don’t disappoint them.