Below, Underhyped will try its first point-counterpoint following the now-infamous Tom Cruise facial. Just see if you can stay impartial!

TO CRUISE

It was incredibly rude. It really was. I would get angry if I were Tom Cruise. Though apparently, recently anyway, Tom Cruise is more emotional than my teenage sister – full of extreme ups and downs – that’s no excuse to squirt him in the face with water!

Actually, had this happened six months ago to Cruise, it would have been a blip and he probably would have treated it as such. Lately, Cruise has been severely picked on by the media about his relationships, religious beliefs, and other aspects of his personal life. You may say that Cruise brought this on himself by being so open to the public and that a little backlash is inevitable. You may also say that he is a publicity monger, and that his relationship is as contrived as that famous laugh he does. You may say his religious beliefs are taking over his professional career. You may even say he is a little weird. You may say that I should have ten more “You may says� considering his behavior as of late – but I don’t. Here’s why…

For some reason I can take the media picking on a teenage girl – but don’t pick on my Cruise, a physically strong man with a handsome face and lots of money – he’s off-limits. Let me preface this by saying that I do not consider myself someone who “grew up� with Cruise. He is not dear to me. I just feel everybody is kicking him when he’s down. Michael Jackson has been legally vindicated. Jessica Simpson’s and Nick Lachey’s marriage should be strong enough to take on In Touch. Lindsey Lohan needs to toughen up and shut up (and stop making fun of Cruise!). But Cruise is fragile. Courageous on and off camera – remember that time he saved someone’s life – I sort of do! Men over a certain age are fragile – they have delusions they require a lot of maintenance. One squirt to the face after a barrage of media bullets can be all that it takes to see a man topple into increasing weirdness. Maybe now that Jackson is almost out of the media arena, people have found that they like a little iconic freakiness in their day-to-day lives.

That may be a reach, and I should note that I love celebrity gossip – but celebrity gossip is best when it is organic, not provoked. Besides, you aren’t supposed to piss on a homeless man, and piss is to non-fancy tap water as homeless man is to Cruise. There – if you won’t take my emotional arguments, you must adhere to pure logic!

Well, then… if you aren’t a logical type of fellow or felless, then you will follow my associate’s pointless counterpoint. Read on, idiots.

NOT TO CRUISE

Tom Cruise is looney. That is to say, he’s insane. Let’s be honest–while my partner-in-Cruise may be correct in empathizing with Cruise, she’s incorrect in not loving-to-hate-to-love-to-hate him.

Everyone just needs to relax about the Cruise-man. Yes, he’s intense, and you’re right, he’s totally crazy, but why shouldn’t we enjoy it to the fullest extent?

Bare with me for a second… Cruise is uber-powerful, he’s up to his eyeballs in weirdo religion, his relationship with reporters is tenuous at best, he has to have one of the strangest sibling relationships in the universe, and he’s super-famous!?

You’ve got all of these people pulling the strings to make Cruise move, and yet all the while he imagines that he’s in charge of everything, and not only that, but he’s also certain that he can save your soul from the perils of drug use!

Certainly, celebs should be allowed to make some crazies in their aging years, and for their troubles, we should be allowed to bask in their reflected insanity. Isn’t it better that we should be savvy to and exploit their mistakes rather than eat it up like good little media-babies?

There’s clearly no middle-ground here; either you’re for Cruise or against him. My esteemed partner obviously thinks that Cruise is so cool and a wonderful actor, father, person, and friend. She probably thinks he’s totally hot, too. What an idiot.

Next week: Isn’t Katie Holmes just so cute?