Not Underhyped news, really, but news nonetheless. If you’re desperate to read some blog posts by me, you’ve got a couple of choices. You can either check out my About.com site dedicated to Digital Music, or, for a limited time only, you can read posts from yours truly at Gawker’s very own Lifehacker, where I will join the crew as guest editor from this Wednesday to next Tuesday (isn’t Next Wednesday a popular band?).

I’m really looking forward to my stint with Lifehacker, and now you can, too!

If you’re still not quite sure what we’re looking for, you can check out this sample audition.

While we’re not expecting the entire world to watch, we figure we can still find a good spot for the show on FOX or maybe (fingers crossed) UPN. We’d shoot for PAX with this one, but we realize that the footage is probably a little too racy for the Spy Kids-kid and little Tracy Morgan (that’s right, I’m not even going to mention you, little Reba!).

Dear XXXX,

Hi. My name is Ron XXXXXXX. I sell co-caine on Wilcox. If you would like to buy some for your showbusiness friends call me. XXX XXX XXXX.

Thx
Ron

While I doubt this is quite the same relationship that, say, Lindsay Lohan has with her dealer, it’s still nice to know that someone as insignificant as little ol’ Underhyped can still enjoy/share a little bit of that old-fashioned pen-and-ink communication with local pedalers of co-caine. By all means, keep the communication coming, Ron!

But now the Nuge is aware of E.T.’s hostile presence. E.T. jumps out of the heating duct. The Nuge has grabbed a rifle and is in pursuit of E.T., who is running from the Nuge. E.T. is cornered in a room with no exit. The Nuge stands at one end of the room and fires at E.T. E.T., facing the Nuge, shuffles back and forth against the far wall of the room in an attempt to avoid the Nuge’s shower of bullets. Amazingly, the Nuge misses E.T. with every shot.

Of course I think, Bullshit. The Nuge is a crack shot. He would never miss E.T. with a rifle from that range.

David Crosses his fans!

The potential that David Cross is, in fact, an asshole has been floating around for several years now. In 2001, when Scary Movie 2 came out, I remember being whole-heartedly against it (because I had seen Scary Movie).

But my friends all said, “Yeah, but it’s got David Cross in it!� Meaning that I was supposed to think, “Oh, really! Neat-o, where can I throw away my money?� Then, if I had listened to them, I would start burning the meager $200 I had in my bank account in a show of how little I cared about getting any entertainment for my buck.

I didn’t watch the movie then, but I did watch it on DVD in 2003, and would you believe that it is a really shitty movie? And that David Cross’ presence did nothing to remedy this? I haven’t wasted my time with Cross since, but countless throngs of Underhyped’s peers continue down this unnecessarily painful and economically-unsound path!

Arrested Development is a Self-Satisfied Prick

Arrested Development is not a good television program. It’s not fun to watch, and it’s not funny. David Cross as Tobias is not funny. The show is in the unique position of being: 1) not a reality tv show and 2) the only sitcom to boast David Cross, who for some reason lends instant credibility to anything he touches (see Exhibits A and C).

Other than that, I have no idea why people like Arrested Development. The atmosphere is shitty, the plots and pitfalls are irritating, and the performances all come across as annoyingly self-satisfied, as though David Cross et al. know they’re shitting out masterpieces with each episode (yes, it’s that easy!).

Since when did Ron Howard and Brian Grazer get to be the gold standard for TV cred? Jason Bateman’s an idiot. (I recently saw an interview with him poo-pooing Teen Wolf Too, calling it a job he took because he was desperate for money. Because starring in a follow-up to a successful Michael J. Fox movie was apparently a huge step down from TV movies and failed sitcoms.)

But hey, David Cross also does ridiculous, obviously discrediting things, too. Just check out Exhibit B:

Exhibit B: Poem written by David Cross for Starbucks, as seen on a Starbucks cup

chances are you are scared of fictions.
chances are you are only fleetingly happy.
chances are you know much less than you think you do.
chances are you feel a little guilty
chances are you want people to lie to you.
perhaps the answer lies on the side of a coffee cup.
you are lost.”

-david cross
comedian, writer, actor

WHAT?! And yet he still gets unprecedented support.

Underhyped Doesn’t Care That You’re a Sellout, David

We really don’t. The world is full of all kinds of great sellouts. The only reason you get Underhyped’s panties all in a bunch is that everyone credits you as the best and brightest we’ve got now, and you’re not. You’re just a normal actor who used to write and perform a really funny show with another (now crotchety) guy. You were both very funny, and I will always think that your funny television show was also very funny. But that doesn’t mean that you get to walk around with your nose in the air for the rest of your life as though you’re still putting out excellent work.

Unfortunately Cross’ comedy now consists of making fun of rednecks, religious folk, and non-aging-comedian-hipster types. And that’s just not doing it.

When my friend and I were arguing about why David Cross doesn’t make Scary Movie 2 any more worth watching, my friend defended him by saying that he’s probably just doing it for some extra money, for some undetermined project. Well, I’m waiting. And when the David Cross Opus does come out, it’d better cost a bundle, and it’d better be super-hilarious, because your loyal fans have placed their integrity (Stop claiming that Arrested Development is funny!) whole-heartedly on your shoulders. Don’t disappoint them.

If we’re really lucky, maybe we’ll have some luck getting hired as Personal/Administrative Assistant to Zoe Alexander. Renowned for her work as former EDITOR AT LARGE of gossip juggernaut Life & Style, Zoe is now scouring LA for Hollywood’s best and brightest assistant.

Frankly, if Underhyped thought we had a chance of getting this job, we’d never post it for all of you to see and risk upsetting dear Zoe. Unfortunately for us, we lack the criteria necessary to go “straight to the top of the pile,” including but not limited to (bold is ours):

• Have fluency in French is a plus.
• Have tennis skills.
• Have golf skills.
• Ability to research, resourcefulness, boldness. (In other words, you’ll need to get that Polish woodworker to recommend a proper carpenter, and follow leads till you find the right person. Then deal with them to get the task done.)

Ok, Zoe, we get it. Jesus, I really think Underhyped could have made a great assistant, too - I guess it’s back to the workbench to pointlessly toil away on our designs for an all-sausage dream home.

• Personal/Administrative Assistant [Craigslist LA]
• Give Underhyped a job: underhyped [AT] gmail.com

While Matt Drudge is limited to very few words with each posting, we can sense an undercurrent of excitement and electricity in his latest posts.

And the winner is…

Potpourri!!!

We’re sure there’s a story hidden in there somewhere, but we’re scratching our heads to decipher exactly what goes where, and to be honest, I think Drudge is, too. One thing’s certain, though… no matter how you slice it, the Drudge report is always saucy, sexy, and a touch confused.

• Underhyped EXCLUSIVE: Drudge Obsessed with Animal Sex
  

So late last night, our conflict began. Do we publish and link to a novelty video of a baby dancing to Beyonce’s Crazy in Love, thereby establishing that yes, we are that kind of publication; or do we ignore our urge (no matter how strong), suppressing the feelings of pure joy that this video has invoked in us.

If we do post it, pretty soon we’ll be sending your mom email forwards all the time, which she’ll send on to you, and you’ll get really annoyed. And even after she tells you that she sent you the forward because it “touched her heart,” you’ll still be a jerk, because that’s just the kind of person you are.

Well, clearly we’ve made our decision. Don’t make us regret it, fair readers. Baby Beyonce is the most glorious sight these poor old Underhyped eyes have seen in years.

That’s right. Underhyped is very, very old, and, frankly, we’re just not feeling that well. I know, it was a shock to us, too. But if we don’t live another day, it will have been worth everything, just to get Baby Beyonce out into the sunlight for one last gasp of glory. She’s been underhyped for far too long.

• Baby Beyonce Does It For the Love of Dance

Reserve your tickets or just show up at the UCB theater on Franklin.

“Michael Jackson is going to become a Berliner!” Bild wrote on top of its front page. “His father is already looking for a house. The King of Pop wants to move to Berlin — his father tells Bild in an interview.”

Another German newspaper, Die Welt, quoted an adviser named Shawn Andrews as saying Jackson definitely wanted to move to Europe because he felt he was being poorly treated at home and that he was also suffering from the after-effects of his trial.

“Michael wants to move to Europe,” Andrews said. “He is positive about that. He feels at home in Berlin.

“No one in Germany ever let him down during the trial,” he said. “Michael himself can’t explain why he’s fallen so deeply in love with Berlin.”

While Underhyped doesn’t doubt that those strange Europeans across the way may treat Michael with more unconditional love than we fickle Americans (apparently one condition we require is a semblance of sanity), we’re not so convinced that Michael’s motivations have are quite so obvious. In an Underhyped exclusive, we’ve got a PHOTO that might shed a little light on his real reasons for choosing Germany… after the jump!

MJ!

That’s pretty gross, Michael. Just because you saw it in a movie, that doesn’t mean everyone in Germany lives a certain way. You just bought yourself a golden ticket to the Neverland looney bin, you knucklehead!